Steve, the Diamond Warrior
You’ve always got a soft little friend in Steve! He’ll always be there for you, resplendent in his diamond armor, diamond sword gleaming. There’s no need to have a nightlight in your room at dark. No need for redstone torches on the walls or a room with a locking door. Steve will keep the forces of darkness at bay. Do you know how many skeletons the man must have killed to get that diamond armor? Too many. It’s almost criminal. Trust me, you’ll be fine in the dark.
Bee, the Honey Lover
Look at this adorable little Bee! And YOU get to be its honey! Its nectar is the nectar of your heart! Its hive your heart’s four chambers! Its honeycombs your aortic valve or whatever hearts have! It’s a totally adorable little plushie that will never, ever sting you no matter how hard you squeeze it. That’s good, because if it did, it would die. And you don’t want your actions to end up killing the one you love, do you? That’s some Romeo and Juliet biz that no one has time for. This bee will save you from trying to cuddle the fuzzy real thing.
Sea Turtle, the Ocean Protector
Sea turtles are fragile beasts. Sure, they can eat jellyfish raw. But they also get their heads stuck in those plastic soda bottle rings! Or they just eat trash and die! Who do they think they are, opossums? This Sea Turtle will never be at risk for eating deadly ocean trash, because his widdle mouth is stitched shut! You don’t have to worry about him munching the plastic chip bags you leave in your bed while you’re gone. The only thing he hungers for is your love, and you’re just the person to give it to him.
Ender Dragon, the Dimension Crosser
If a Creeper’s heart can be changed by love, then why not an even more powerful beast? Why not the most powerful beast in all of Minecraft? The Ender Dragon. Hailing from the far-flung dimension of The End, this Minecraft monster crossed through spacetime itself for your love. Will you not reward its efforts with a lil’ pat on the head? If only Minecraft had taken a page out of Undertale‘s book and let you befriend the creatures of the wild plotting your demise. Imagine, pizza nights with the zombie pigmen. Golfing with the Ghasts. Ending the day with the Ender Dragon for cuddles. What a life.
